Default to Good
Source/Author: Mike Murphy, Headmaster
March 03, 2017
Fill in the blank:
I want my child to be________________________.
Recently, a team of Shorecrest Trustees and administrators were working with a strategic planning consultant. He cited research that showed the problem that occurs when adults’ default response to seeing an unhappy child is to find a way to make the child happy. “Our goal,” the consultant shared, “is to teach our children how to be good.”
Kj Dell'Antonia’s October. 4, 2016, article in the "NY Times," focused on the work of Dr. Susan David the author of the book, “Emotional Agility.”
“Research shows that when teachers help preschoolers learn to manage their feelings in the classroom, those children become better problem solvers when faced with an emotional situation, and are better able to engage in learning tasks. In teenagers, “emotional intelligence,” or the ability to recognize and manage emotions, is associated with an increased ability to cope with stressful situations and greater self-esteem. Some research suggests that a lack of emotional intelligence can be used to predict symptoms of depression and anxiety.”
It takes a special discipline to default to teaching lessons that lead to good behavior in the face of an unhappy child. Most parents and teachers, who have ever had other adults enter our space when one of our children were in the midst of a crying spell, know the awkward feeling of having an unhappy child under our watch. It may be that the child had good reason to be crying. It may be that a little sadness was a correct response to a behavior and it may be that the crying was a preferable response than some other emotional display. Yet, we know that others are likely making a judgement about our parenting and teaching skills when they see us with a crying child.
Defaulting to the thought that my primary responsibility is to teach the child how to be good rather than happy gives one the mindset to be tolerant and patient when a child is unhappy. Knowing that the lessons that lead to problem solving and the development of emotional intelligence may be complex and may extend the unhappiness, are a sound trade-off for the instant gratification we might offer to help the child be happy.
Unless one has been reared or educated to default to the lessons of goodness before happiness, it is difficult to make the adjustment. Most people I know have been fortunate to have adults in their lives who cared about their happiness. The unfortunate part of the equation is that many of those people were not given the opportunity to work through some of the emotional lessons as young children that may have saved some grief as the person moved into adolescence and adulthood.
What does it mean to have a good child? Is it one who has learned to respectfully challenge authority? Is it one who has learned to speak up for herself? Is it one who at an early age has recognized that work-life balance is healthy? Is it one who knows when to walk away from a dispute or when to engage? Is it one who says what is on his mind or one who monitors those thoughts? Is it one who stands up for the outcast? Is it the one who will win at all costs?
We have identified five core values for our Shorecrest students: Respect, Responsibility, Integrity, Knowledge and Compassion. Imagine if we defaulted to teaching and reinforcing these values on a consistent basis with our children. I am pretty sure that children who follow that path will be regarded as good people no matter where they go. If one can demonstrate and be known as a person who models those five values and at the same time be happy - great!
As we prepare our children for their roles as students, citizens and future leaders, I believe they will obtain some level of happiness when they show others that they are first and foremost good people.
Cheers!
Mike
